I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
