You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
