4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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