I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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