my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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