The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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