why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
