This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
