Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
