dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
