bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
