I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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