Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
