Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
