i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
