I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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