I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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