I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
