I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
