i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
