it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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