I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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