so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
