Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
