i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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