Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
