why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
