There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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