I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
