You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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