How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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