I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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