His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
