I cannot find my penis.
my being single is dangerous.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
