Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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