I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
