I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize