who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
