have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
