Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
