Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
