Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
