I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
