I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize