Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
