Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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