Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize