I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
