Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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