I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my being single is dangerous.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
you had me at cake vodka
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
