Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
