I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
