Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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