He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize