So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
where are my eyebrows?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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