My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
