I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
