i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
