I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
