she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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